Sunday Sniffing

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” Albert Einstein

I am currently sat on a Sunday afternoon sniffing my way through yet more bags of the addiction that is ruining my life. I can’t believe this is my life, that I am back here again.

I have spent the last three days, two of which not sleeping, using this drug to get me through my existence. Two nights ago after a day and a half on it with no sleep I hit a new rock bottom, a lower one, a lonelier more painful one. I thought that would be it, finally I had had enough but here I am again. I hate this addiction. I hate what it has robbed from my life, what it is ruining, its controlling relentless attack on who I am and who I could ever hope to be. The only light at the end of this tunnel is the chance that I get accepted into a rehab facility but that could take weeks before this saviour comes along. Weeks consist of days and in those days so much more damage can be done. You can never get enough of this, there is no last time, no cut off point. It’s just round and round in vicious circles over and over again.

While catching up on the missed sleep I had yesterday I lay watching a film about dancing and cried as I remembered the little girl who used to love this hobby. The little girl who had dreams about a happy future, who had ambitions and hopes. I feel like I’ve suffocated her, killed her, locked her so far away she wouldn’t know how to be found even if she wanted to. What happened to those dreams, to those hopes, to that future? I’m 27 years old and can’t go a day without using cocaine. Why is this my life, how did this happen and more importantly when does it stop?

Addiction is such a miserable lonely existence. You hate who you have become, you hate what you do but you can’t stop yourself from doing it. Day after day you cry about the life you have lost but know the only way to deal with the pain is to do more to numb yourself from the excruciating horror of your current reality. Slowly but surely it isolates you from every aspect of normal living. Maintenance of your home, your health, your body become of no priority as your only focus remains on trying to find the cash to get more. To give you a scale of what my addiction is like, in the past month I have spent over £2000 on this destroyer of life. £2000! I could have had a luxury holiday, a supreme shopping trip, dined in the best restaurants, lived. Its not even worth thinking about, it hurts too much, it all does. When does it end, how do I stop it?

I cant find any more words to say, I just needed to get things off my chest. Just know that for the rest of the evening me and the enemy are going to be doing our usual dance of pain and possession.........oh Lord please help me.

Love Always.x