"The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself."Thales
Whilst in a daze last night, after no sleep and the pain of my cocaine and cannabis addiction ever present in my system, I decided instead of driving myself crazy with the thoughts that trap me into my own mind, I would write. I would write from my heart in the loneliest, darkest most messed up moment and see what my soul was thinking, feeling, spilling out into the atmosphere. I just kept writing, trying to keep up with the speed of my thoughts, an almost impossible task but I tried it. I have not yet read it, but I am going to copy it on to here, to share a piece of my most innermost moment with you and see if even in the darkness, my soul can find somewhere to find its hope. It may not make much sense as I hadn’t slept and was in a real state but it is the real raw me. I let my focus turn towards the Lord and then spilled out the emotions that raptured me. So here goes, straight from the writers pad:
God has been tying up the loose ends so I can start anew, afresh. No more pain that’s hidden, its all been brought out into his light. He did find me, He did hear me, He is helping me. He gives me a long life though it is marred by challenges. He has given me insight and an ability to help people. I have needed to learn from this challenge and He has used this waste ground to plant the seeds of my soul. He has moulded me, slowly taking out the imperfections, the fears, the doubts, pain and confusion. In my darkness He shone his bright light and only ever asked for my faith. With this I gave my whole heart.
I am free but it has come at a cost. He needed to be sure I was ready to pass the next stages of my journey. Your so beautiful Lord. Your love never ceases to amaze and entice me. How did you find me in all that pain, in that battleground? You saw me and you gave me wings only I had to learn how to fly! This addiction has been the complete breaking of me, though it has torn down walls I didn’t even know existed. It has never really had the control. He has been there always, listening, guiding, supporting. He has been there in the roughest, toughest moments and he has turned them into flowers within the core of my spirit and soul. He has freed me.
I had to learn to truly trust Him, to lean on Him. He wanted me to know the power of his love but also to prepare me for the next stage of my destiny. It's been a learning curve, a joyous move into deeper realms but the road has been tough. I stand and be ready for the next phase Lord. With each fear I have you reach in and replace it with your love and nurse me back within your heart. When I can't go on Lord, you are there, you are with me. I am ready. The next stage will too carry its blessings but these too come at a cost. With greater anointing your journey will become harder, the enemy will attempt to dig deeper. I just focus on Him that loves me.
It’s nothing to do with the drugs, it’s just Him reaching out and loving me. That is the power of his unending love. It transforms, it changes, it heals, it breaks down and it rebuilds but the intensity can always be felt. Its true love in the most unimaginable way, beyond our human capacity to understand love. It is pure at its soul, its radiance is felt within the heart. As I feel pain, He rubs freedom, health, hope, happiness. He continues to weave the tapestry of my life, stitch by stitch until I am put back together again. Its the fight of my life but he teaches perspective. Change it and learn to absorb and challenge his love. He is ready, He is open, He is our God, our Father. He is love.
My recovery process is imminent. Its the next stage of the journey for me. I know it will contain immense joy but only at the capacity in which I can absorb it. That’s where his free will has found its real meaning. It is our free will to choose to love Him and to choose how much. He always lets us control it. When we are ready, He is there waiting but like the most splendid treasure hidden within the wilderness of life, He lets us do the discovering. Find Him we can and we will, but at a pace in which we can handle. Come and drink at His well, He knows we are thirsty. Run into and believe, just believe you are loved. When you begin to get a glimpse of what this means, it will break every fear, every pain and welcome you home again. I am here Lord, I love you and am willing to accept your love.
Twelve months in which the true love and grace He has saved, will be showered upon me. Lord you give me hope, I never lost faith and you saw me, you saw my heart and you saw it was good. Oh how did your child get so lost? What happened to her God? Where did she go? Where is she? She was with you Lord, always with you. You kept me safe till I was ready to face the world again. I'm back Lord, I have been delivered. Your lessons, your love, floods every cell, every part of who I am. You have my whole being Lord and you made me in your image. My heart is good. I am not the evil that I see in the world. Maybe, just maybe, I am the light. I just forgot that I shone. You shone through me and you bought me back. Thank you my precious Lord.
The writing and talking are my gifts, He did not forget to bless me. I just couldn’t see past the wall of abuse, fear, hate, judgement and pain. All you wanted me to do was to look at you for long enough to really see you. To see your reflection in me, to not be scared, to trust you but also to trust me was always your intention. How good you are to me Lord. A servant with nothing to offer you, you picked me too, you loved me too, you let me be a part of your beautiful creation and I forgot. Lord please give me the courage to drink in this love, these gifts, this life. It’s my time isn’t it Lord, the shackles are off. Along the beach my footprints appear in the sand next to yours. You carried me and then I learnt to walk.
I'm ready for people to read my words. I trust you Lord that they will help, they will heal, they will rebuild. My words will create a reminder of your life for your beautiful children. My pain can and will reach into another’s life and help them. My dream to help, restore and to remind people of who they really are is being met because you've allowed me to let go of my fears, my shame, my pain. How have you remembered me Lord? I owe you my life in all its joy, in all its twists and turns. Your voice now speaks so clearly to me, it’s like a heartbeat that always stays, pumping life and love through my broken mind. Hello God, our friendship has been the greatest opportunity to learn to trust you and I do fully. I love you God.
I am now ready to discover more. The Holy Spirit is something I never thought of as I didn't understand Him. I'm so afraid to say I think I hurt Him. I shut Him out. But He didn’t get angry, He didn’t leave me, He stayed whispering at first but now talking more and more, louder and louder, a sound that only the heart can make. It’s a heart sound, a murmur, a ray of continuous hope. He meets every need, every desire, every area where lack would ever hide. He is the fullness in a perfect summers day, that is his unending love for us, His children. If only we could fully grasp this. How can we, it’s too joyous for us to ever imagine. But best of all its not the impossible, it’s the truth. It’s ours. Wow.
Grab that first thought, that quick one, quicker than you, softer than you. It’s His. It’s time to rise and shine for the light of my rising has come. Lost and now found.
Learn now that whilst I can help people it doesn’t have to be at the expense of loving, respecting and honouring my man. Learn the lesson Rebecca. Honour thy husband. Take care of him, love him, accept him. Freedom.
So.......that was the writings of my soul. Its amazing the force at which it came out of me and the intensity of Gods love I felt whilst writing it. True emotions, raw and pure. Thanks for being a part of the journey.
Love Always.x
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