Help!

 ”It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.” - Vince Lombardi

Its 1:30am and its my third night of cocaine binging. The hate and anger I feel for the life I am living has now become all-consuming and each thought I have is poisoned with the brutal desperateness of my own reality. I hate my life. I hate this addiction, I hate that it refuses to even compromise with me. No, its like a petulant child storming in and controlling everything. Rock bottom is much more expansive than I ever thought possible. A dark sea of pain and disgust that I flail about in endlessly looking for the bright light of a boat that can save me from the crushing devastation of my current existence. Actually, there is a positive! I have an interview with a highly recommended Christian Rehab called Hope House. I am literally putting all of my own hope into the belief that this is the place to save me. I believe God guided me to them and I genuinely believe they heard my call. This at the moment is my only hope of getting out of this life consuming addiction.

There are no words I can find that can truly express my misery. Its so low that I’m genuinely surprised life can exist within me under the current conditions of my lost mind. I am also now no longer taking antipsychotics as the rehab want me off all medication. I am taking a huge risk with this and going against the advice of my psychiatrist and my doctor, but I have much more faith than they could imagine. I have been on illegal and legal drugs since 14 and I want to give the real me the chance to come out. Yes it will be and already is difficult, but if anyone can help me, God will be the risk worth taking. I trust in Him completely, I just have to find a way to control the thoughts that are attacking me every minute of the day. Without the medication my thoughts are able to come at me with a relentless pace that never slows down. I find myself disappearing further and further into the deeper caverns of my mind and I’m scared of what I find there. Its like the floodgates of hate and confusion have opened and now refuse to close. Help.

I feel like a puppet with a master that never lets the strings rest. Constantly pulling me into the darkness I have come to recognise as my daily life. I cant communicate with him, he just drags me through the battlefield, holding me down, suffocating me as my body lies restless on the floor. I see no joy anywhere, all I see and feel is hate and anger and slowly but surely its taking over every aspect of my confusing existence. My body aches, its like the thoughts from my head have now found parts of me to attach to and like a withering flower, they feast on any health and vitality that ever existed. Help.

When will my time come? When will I walk in the destiny my Lord has promised me? I will wait at his feet till He is ready but with all I have in me, I pray He rescues me soon. I’m scared of my own life and desperately I cry out to him. Please help me Lord, please. Your child is terrified and the strength she once had is on its last few drops. Hear my call my Father, I am ready for change, whatever that may be, I come to you ready to fight for my life.

Love Always.x