Boyfriend Abuse

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." Mark Twain

 

Last night, as so often happens when I am using, I ended up arguing with my boyfriend. The first argument happened as he walked in and could see evidence of me using and went its usual predictable manner in which he shouts about the lies I have told about never using again and how bad a person I am. This time I responded by ignoring him, turning up music and singing and dancing to myself in the kitchen. I was in no mood to ruin the buzz I was having. He then decided he would like some too but his way of using is different to mine in that he likes to have big lines quickly and I prefer smaller ones to pace it out. Here came the second argument of the evening, which meant he refused to use which made me relatively happy. Then, he changed his mind. This made me unhappy as greed is now one of my common emotions but I let him do it anyway to prevent further shouting sessions. I was having a fairly quiet buzz, just sitting down and reading and wasn’t really in the mood to talk to him. When he did want to talk to me I felt attacked as usual and wasn’t really in the mood to respond. I often feel the only time he is nice to me anymore is when drugs are involved and knowing it is my money that is catering for this habit only acts to aggravate me further.

As the grams began to disappear my anger started to rise again and although we were able to have a loving conversation about the rules for each other when I got accepted into rehab, this mood soon changed as the coke disappeared. I was not feeling particularly loving watching my buzz coming to an end. It’s so hard, it all is. The addiction doesn’t just destroy you, it destroys everything around you as well. I hated him last night, I accused him of being selfish, of being arrogant and most importantly to me at the time, for ruining my buzz. We went to bed back to back, silence hanging in the air like a thick poisonous atmosphere choking at any love that once had grown. He told me he would leave, I let him believe that is what would make me happy.

Its a new day today and I have calmed down. When I'm using I hate him and all the little niggles in our relationship seem monstrous and necessary for me to shout and abuse him with. I'm not saying they are unfounded, a lot of the problems are there and do exist but without the coke I wouldn’t address them in the horrible attacking woman way that I do when I can see my beloved addiction being shared and me having less of it. That’s what it boils down to really, I don’t want to share it, I want it all to myself. He acts as a barrier to this so I attack this man I love and beat him down so he can feel some degree of the pain I am feeling. Its cruel and unfair but it keeps happening, I can’t seem to control the verbal onslaught that comes out of my mouth. I look at him with eyes burning hate holes into his skin, but somewhere inside I always feel like I can’t believe what I am doing, how could I attack this man that I love, how could I be so cold, so evil. But the coke greediness always wins, I am always more hurt about the coke leaving than him.

When he came into see me earlier before disappearing out again I hugged and kissed him with as much love as I could muster. I accept we both have difficulties but it is not realistic dealing with them when I am on coke as it poisons my perspective and blocks me from seeing his point of view. I know this man loves me but I can’t help pushing him away like I am with everyone and everything. All I seem to want to do is to isolate myself from the world around me, even the man I have been in love with for two years. In the end, if I keep doing this, I will get my wish and end up alone and then what will I do? I can’t shout and abuse myself anymore than I already am. The pain of this disease is permeating every aspect of my life and its making it impossible to know which is the real me and which is the crazy selfish coke head. I need help.

I have already picked up my next amount of drugs, this time to get me through the week. The idea is that I buy in bulk and it lasts me till some more money can come through on Friday. I just have to hope my addictive nature means I can learn to call it a night before it all goes or I will be in a state for the rest of the week. It’s laughable really. I also know there is a risk my boyfriend will want to use with me and that will make me nervous and agitated as the coke will disappear faster and is likely to make me angry with him again. I guess we'll just have to see what the night has in store....

Love Always.x