"I get up and pace the room, as if I can leave my guilt behind me. But it tracks me as I walk, an ugly shadow made by myself." - Rosamund Lupton, Sister
I hate myself. I hate that this addiction is refusing to let me go, ignoring my desperate cries for freedom from its self sabotaging chains. I am back in the hole that I had with the loving help and patience of my family, started to climb out of. Back here in the darkness of my actions, I fight what feels like a world of guilt upon my heart. This time the pain I feel is at the lie I am choosing to live to the people who love me most. How could I do this to them? No matter how much I try to convince myself that I am being kinder to them by protecting them from this truth, I know deep down in my core that I am being a fraud, a fake, a horrible daughter and sister. My heart is breaking with the horror of my choice, I can no longer look at myself in the mirror as the image staring back is that of a dishonest and selfish woman. An image I have grown into, that is now as much a part of me as the very addiction that rules my current reality. I am devastated by my own self protection, my feeble character and my ability to lie to people who deserve nothing but my truth and commitment.
The guilt of this burden is now pressing ever heavier on my heart and I can no longer fool myself with the justifications I once believed were the right and kindest ones to make. My family deserve better than me, they deserve the love that they so freely give to not be marred by my disgusting and evil deceitfulness. This is the hardest burden I have had to experience in many years and yet I listen as my boyfriend reminds me of the reasons that he still believes this is the right choice to make. Its not his fault, I can no more blame someone else for my lies than I can for my choices. But I have been made very aware of his belief that my family will tear us apart if this truth comes out and this threat hangs heavily over my willingness to stand by my morals of always being true no matter what.
This is not me. I am many things but I am not a liar, not a grand deceiver, a con artist. Addiction brings with it many character attributes that are non-desirable. At first they gently sweep over you; the small white lie about how much you used, the belief in your convictions that this time will be the last time. Eventually, after long enough these character flaws take on a life of their own and take seat as part of who you are. A manipulator, a selfish, self-absorbed liar whose only concern is her next fix and her ability to keep up an image of respectability for both myself and my relation to others. I can no longer preach my once passionate message of always being true, of never lying to anyone and of thinking more of others before oneself. I am now none of these things, they are no longer a part of who I am. No, they have been replaced with addictions image quicker than I was willing to admit to or see, they have now dominated my entire existence.
I do not deserve the love and generosity of the amazing family I have. I have continued to let them down time after time, watching as my actions have not just destroyed my life but theirs as well. I can hardly stand to be present in the same space of atmosphere I inhabit. It feels wrong. I am convinced I poison all I touch and this toxic outpouring leaves no person unaffected. I am the creator of pain and worry in my precious family’s life and no matter how hard I pray and how guilty I feel, I find myself unable to break out of this evil world I have been granted access to. How can I do this, how can I be so selfish and cruel? I have much to pray for help from and this is one I truly need to cry out for every day.
The addict and the child of God inhabit this body of mine. Whilst my faith reminds me my spirit is no longer sinful, I am not able to trust so confidently that my soul is not attached with an unbreakable clasp to the darkness of the world I have come to inhabit. I am wandering lost in a sea of broken dreams and promises, no longer sure God would want a creature such as me to be a representative of his kingdom. I have failed Him also and this guilt too is ever present as I assess my current situation. This life is being taken over and I feel powerless to stop its demise. I can barely recognise the voices I hear within me as mine anymore and I fear that even the Lord is struggling to be heard amongst the many twisted cries of sorrow that fill my mind each day. I can only hope with all that I have in me, that God still sees me and still believes in me. I want to make him proud, I want to be the daughter of Him and my family whose life is a joy to watch not a tragedy. So as I write I pray with all the goodness I have left inside of me: “Lord guide me towards your love, let me hear your voice above all others and please forgive me for the pain I continue to cause you and those who love me. I have not given up my belief in you, though I know I have chosen the path of destruction and not of divinity. This guilt I carry Lord, I believed I was doing out of love, a love that is confused between my family and my partner and myself. I do not deserve your help, I know how often I have let you down, but know that I am still here Lord, deep inside desperate to be free. Please shine your wisdom upon my broken mind and strengthen me with your righteousness to make the choices that will lessen the burden of those I love from carrying. I continue to wish for my heart to grow in adoration with you and your ways and understand that discipline will not be easy but is a necessary part of my freedom. I plead for forgiveness of my sins Lord and pledge once again to make more time for the life you intended me to live. In Jesus Name. Amen.”
Love Always.x
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