Hope And Tragedy

"For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity" - William Penn

Today has been one of those days where darkness and light have appeared in both their brilliance and destruction. I am both mournful and hopeful and this state is hard to adjust to, difficult to know which thoughts to think, which emotions to focus on.

My day started with a taster morning at Brynhawel Rehab, a place I am hoping to go into when they have available spaces. I was able to attend a group session, talk with the other clients and have lunch. I loved the atmosphere and it was clear to me that the place does not only focus on getting people off drugs, but also how to re-engage in normal activities to fill the void that drugs leave. The management team were friendly and welcoming and advised me that their next space would be available in January and they would book me in for an assessment as soon as possible. This feels right, I could sense myself being at home there, getting better, being healed. The work now needs to take place with my social worker in regards to funding, housing my cats and working on my addictive relationship I have with my partner. But, for the first time in many days I feel hopeful for my future and excited about the prospect of change. I am so desperate for it and to find somewhere as beautiful and rewarding as Brynhawel has worked wonderfully on my happiness levels.

I arrived home feeling positive and my mum immediately came over with my therapist who I had just left after receiving a lift home from her. The news she broke to me came with an unbelievable thud against the chest of my heart. My beautiful cat Fluff, the one whom I had nursed since she was a kitten and who was closest to me of all three of my cats, had died. She had had a fit earlier in the day and now lay in a box in the garage where my boyfriend had placed her after failed attempts to save her life. This is beyond devastating for me, I can not comprehend the fact that she is no longer here to cuddle me and play our little games. I ache for her as I would any life that had been taken from me and I have been in a state of grief and immense pain. Death comes and acts as a reminder that life is in fact a gift, so often shorter than we could ever imagine and one that I at least, have failed to embrace in a long time. I hope the beauty of her existence and the tragedy of her departure will serve as a tool for me to look with a little more care and wonder at the great miracle that is life on this earth.

Unable now as the evening has gone on and I am no longer able to sleep, I have turned to the only solution I know in which to deal with my pain. My dealer has just left and a can of cider waits to be opened. My strength to deal with the pain I am feeling is unable it seems, to come from within me so I do as usual and seek it outside. Its not the right choice, its the easy way out and it only adds further to the misery and debt I am already entrenched in, but I see no other option as the deep cries of grief grip every inch of my being. This is the circle of life I lead, unaffected by positive events such as viewing rehab, I still remain the addict who can not face the reality of actual life. I am still her and she is still me.

I believe my beautiful cat now plays with my Lord in heaven and know she will be happy and cared for there till I can see her face again. I pray now to the Lord that He showers her with the love he has so graciously shown to me and lets that power seep into the pain of my heart to heal the hole that her absence has left. I pray too that the cycle that I am in, the grip of this addiction will begin to ease as I learn the delicate fragility of life and its unknown time to cease existing. To my beautiful cat, I will love and remember you forever and know that heaven is a playground where you truly can continue to be happy. You will always remain in my thoughts and my heart.

Love Always.x