I sit here again, annoyed and confused. Last night I fought with all my might to win the battle against my addiction. I had the money available, but decided not to use. However today is different as I plan to go with my boyfriend to a party where drugs and drink will be rife. The strange thing is, I used to love parties but now I just have a deep feeling of unease and fear. I am no longer the carefree girl I once was, I know what this party will mean, I know it will set me back. I know I am now in serious debt again and will have to rely on my boyfriend paying back debts he has owed me for two years.....an unreliable source of income to say the least.
I feel the changes being made within me, the desire to stop this careless way of living. There is a voice inside that reminds me I am not choice less, no matter how obvious that may seem. Its been an unusual week for me, dealing with grief, with depression and with the worries that come at me from every corner of my life. Everywhere I look, darkness seems to be permeating everything. I have hope for change but it is being strongly opposed by the forces around and within me. I can no longer trust myself to make the right choices, I no longer believe I know what is best. Worst of all, I know what is not good and still seem intent on following that path. Its frustrating and exhausting.
My relationship too is being tested on a daily basis. I am not an easy person to be with, my mental illness and my addiction make for a vicious and often confusing time. The problem is, with the addiction so prominent in both of our lives, I am no longer able to focus on the good parts. Instead all I see is the pull of two addicts living out their darkness together and the force of love for each other preventing any real change from happening. I'm scared we are going to end up losing each other but I am also aware that this choice may even be the right one, the one that saves us. My heart is pulled in so many directions, it’s so difficult to figure out which choice will be the one that leads to happiness. I am unhappy both alone and together so how do I choose what to do?
I will try my hardest tonight to be the happy girl in the room with no cares and no life crumbling around me as I walk. I will smile through the horror of the addiction and will prepare myself for a day tomorrow which I know will be full of questions that can't be answered by my broken mind. Just another day to add to the ones before. I continue to pray for change.
Love Always.x
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