Dear God

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

Dear God

I sat and thought of you tonight as I struggled with my addiction pain
It seems that wherever I go I end up back here all over again
I tried to have some self restraint, tried to focus on your face
I wish that I had seen it clearer, that I did't feel such a disgrace

I tell the world I love you, I agree with who you are
Why then does my faith and hope seem so distant and so far
Why can't I control myself, why can't I be free
Why do I continue to live a life that scares the soul out of me

I used to turn to the words you've said and find some strength to fight
But now I turn away from hope, from you, from love, from light
The darkness covers my every thought, it threatens to turn me away
So here I am praying Lord, for your help with me today

I know I am not worthy, I know I have failed to cope
I know that rather than helping, I've suffocated hope
I know I am still living in the land of abuse and fear
But even in this hole of pain, I still trust that you are near

I still believe in the promise you made to save me from the sin
I still believe you love me even in the mess you know I'm in
I still find time to think of you even though I don't always say
I still want you to guide me through every waking day

I love you Lord and I still believe
Its the world not you that continues to deceive
I've fallen off track but I want to be healed
I believe in the destiny you have for me, the future you've sealed

I'll cry no more for the worthlessness I feel, I'll turn to you instead of pain
If I can do this one pledge, will I see happiness again
Please let your will be done my Lord, let me follow your lead
Above all else that's in this life, its you, your love I need.

Love Always.x

The Pain Inside

"One thing you can't hide - is when your crippled inside." John Lennon

The depression has taken on a life of its own. Today the full force of hatred I feel for who I am seemed to close in around me, threatening to suffocate the life force out of me. 

I used last night, second night in a row and I am using again tonight. I don't know what exact thought or situation has triggered this need to get high every day, but here I am drowning in my addiction again. I hate it.  I hate the power it has over my life, the lies it creates and the pain it causes. I no longer enjoy the buzz, I just still manage to convince myself that escapism is the only way to feel better. It isn't and I don't feel better, I feel worse. I have failed at controlling myself, I am spiralling further into debt and my body is screaming at me to take care of it before it gives up altogether. My thoughts become more intense, my anxiety throbs through my chest like an angry sword and my mood shows no signs of improvement. I willingly fall into the trap that destroys me and I have no idea how or why I can't stop the abuse. 

I was meant to go out for a meal with my best friends tonight, whom I have also been choosing to distance myself from for fear that they will finally see me for the useless mess I am and I'd sooner leave first than face more rejection. I attempted to get dressed and put make up on but as I sat looking in the mirror the full realisation of my worthlessness hit me and I sobbed hysterically at the person I have become. The outside is just as disgusting and horrid as the inside and I could not face the prospect of leaving the house. My mum came and sat with me, her loving words attempting to heal the broken soul that lay crying in her arms. My family are so wonderful, so good, they don't deserve the constant battles I put them through. Though they would never admit it I can see the toll my illness and addiction has had on them. I see them fight back the tears as their daughter sinks further and further into the darkness of the world she has created. It kills me that I can't be the true reflection of their goodness. I pray for happiness for them, and know that when the dark thoughts of suicide start filling my broken mind, I still have the knowledge that while death may comfort me, it would only cause further hurt to the family who love me. I will fight for them, for their happiness and as the thoughts get worse, I force myself to see their faces and gain a small morsel of strength to fight back with.

I'm so sick of reading and watching other peoples lives. The books and TV programmes I escape to, now sit mocking me as I realise the world they inhabit seems so far out of reach to me. I am a human too, I came here the same way so why can't I figure out how to make something of this life I have been given. Most frustrating of all is the fact that I am fully aware of the changes I need to make in my life. I have been writing the same goals for the past twelve or so years: exercise, eat regularly and healthily (no more binging), keep the house clean and organised, spend time with friends and family, make people see them in the beautiful light that I view them and essentially leave this world in a better way than I found it when I arrived. It is safe to say that I am failing miserably in all these areas. I no longer work ten hours a day so the excuse of no available time will fall on deaf ears. I am just unable to follow anything that has a chance at making a positive difference in my life.

I sip my cider, I wipe away the tears and I make the same promise I always do: It will be different tomorrow. Tomorrow my real life will begin. At least I still have hope.......

Love Always.x.

Destructive Mind

"Depression is the inability to construct a future." Rollo May

I'm so lost and full of hatred for who I am and what I have become. Everywhere I look I see destruction and I feel powerless to stop the continuation of the abuse I have become so used to. I am failing as a human, I am taking up place in creation and I seem to offer nothing in return for this gift. I have forgotten how to participate in ordinary life. I am selfish, unreliable, dishonest and manipulative. I am not being a good daughter, sister, friend or girlfriend. My home shows no signs of care, my personal hygiene is seriously suffering and the belief that good can come is slowly but surely leaving me. I don't know what path I took that has led me here, but I can see no way out. I long to be happy, to make other people happy, to be a positive force in the world I inhabit. I desperately crave the ability to be more than a victim in my life, to be a help not a hindrance, a joy not a burden. I seem to suck the life out of all those who come close to me, like a poison dart I spread unhappiness with my selfish ways and my constant careless attitude to those who try to help me. I can no longer look in the mirror, the image it shows is of a woman I do not recognise, we no longer see each other. The horror inside seems to be reflected outside more than ever before. Pain is an all-encompassing cloak and I wear it well it would seem. The happy larger than life character I created and hid behind for years has now reared its monstrous head and that too has become another sabotaging mask that people no longer care to enjoy. I am out of ideas of what I am supposed to do next.

The addiction is ever present, though I realise I am ready to let it go as it too provides no more escapism. It seems I have been running for too long, my mind is insistent that I face it head on and deal with the issues I have chosen to ignore. But how can more self reflection help? I no longer want to make sense of my actions, I just want them to change. I don't want to be depressed and bitter and guilty all the time. The voices in my head are back now, louder than they have been in a long time. All day every day they shout at me, attack my every thought and every attempt at change. I no longer seem to have the power to shut the taunting out, I just have to listen to it or wait for it to hit me in the face as I lie on the sofa, eyes glued to the only source of escapism I now seem to enjoy; television watching. I wake up, watch the tv, eat, watch more tv and pray that something I watch will trigger some sort of reaction in me that will wake me up from this deep slumber and inspire me to start living a life I can be proud of. Instead I seem to recognise that the television allows me to live other peoples lives while completely ignoring my own.

I am so lost and so unhappy, it’s hard for me to even write, hence why I have not been able to express myself on here. I can’t seem to look inside anymore, I'm too scared that the pain of the reflection will destroy me even more than the mess I am already in. I want to be happy, more than this benefiting me, I want to be the daughter that my parents can stop worrying about, the sister who is always available and the girlfriend who makes it easy to be in love. I feel I am failing in all these areas and the more I look outside the worse I feel about the life I somehow forgot to live.

So in times like this I choose to turn to God. Not because I think I deserve His love but because although I seem unable to control any aspect of my life, I want Him to always know I believe in the life He chose to give me. Yes I have fallen off track but I genuinely believe if I draw closer to Him that I will find my purpose again. Even knowing this I find it extremely difficult to focus on Him. I find it difficult to focus on anything that could be deemed good for me. Destruction, pain, abuse are all states I am drawn too and as I spiral into deeper and deeper depression, it is only the darkness that I can relate to so I gave up hunting the light. I need to start fighting again, I have to. 

Only a couple of weeks remain before I go into rehab. I have not lost any weight, I have not organised my home and I have not stopped using drugs. However rather than beat myself up (which I will do anyway), I shall try and focus on the positive potential this new venture offers. I have hope that this will be the path that sets me straight. I must believe in the power of light to transform the darkness of my mind and piece me back together. I must.

Love Always.x

A New Year

"In the dim background of our mind, we know what we ought to be doing but somehow we cannot start." William James

Its a new year again and I find myself no closer to happiness than any of the other years before. This elusive search to figure out who I am and what my purpose is has seemingly stopped and I am left very aware of the life I have been refusing to live for 27 years. I have been unable to write an entry for a long time, I haven't really wanted to see in black and white how miserable my exist had yet again become. But, as a last attempt to salvage some sort of understanding of my life, I return to spill the secrets of my soul and to hopefully get some peace about my journey.

I do not want to dwell on the last six or so weeks that I haven't written about. They consisted of the usual self sabotage, through drugs, binge eating, violence and resistance to change that are my expected patterns of behaviour. Instead, Ill just try and start from today.

Today I feel hopeless again. I awoke late and as usual could not find the motivation to start the day and instead tried to fall back to sleep, where dreams create lives much more exciting than the one I currently seem to be living. I always start the year with lots of resolutions and lists of strict guidelines for me to follow to achieve them. Unable to bear another year of failing, this time around I made no such plans. I wonder if this is why I appear so lost each time a new day breaks as I feel no particular pull to any specific thing. I am however aware that although the resolutions may not be written down, I am still mentally beating myself up as I know almost automatically what all the changes are I'd like to make and how so far I have been unable to integrate them into my existence. I look back over the past few years and see no real achievements, no actual benefits to my life on earth. I want this year to be different, it has to be, things need to change before my hope completely runs dry.

There is good news however. I have been accepted into a wonderful rehab facility that will also allow me to continue on my medication, have contact with my family and friends and is only four months long. I am admitted on the 4th February and although I have been warned not to do so, I have put all my eggs in the 'this will finally fix me' basket. The thing is, it has to. I have exhausted every other avenue, this has got to be my chance to change, to become productive and motivated to pursue an existence I can be happy with. To me, this rehab is about so much more than just the help with my drug addiction. It will be challenging my ability to stick to a routine, to be around people every day and to deal with parts of me that I have preferred to ignore. I see it as a huge blessing from God, one that if I participate wholeheartedly in, I can become a better me.......a happier me.

It is Friday and a new week looms ahead. I have been attempting to plan my next week so I can at least have some reason to get out of bed in the morning. I am acutely aware of the fact that I seem unable to manage any of the even tiny goals I suggest but I simply cant have another week of this year be as useless as this one has been. One of the things I am keen to stick to is writing this blog daily so I can deal with the pent up feelings I carry around with me. Although I find it difficult to commit to such a goal, I am convinced that doing so would be a major step in the right direction. I especially want to have this habit settled for when I enter rehab as I want to be able to clearly see the changes being made in me and to make sure I do not get 'stuck in my own thoughts' all the time. So, we will see then if I set the goal on here whether that will make a difference. I declare that the only real goal (as I will be making many others) I will commit to is writing this blog every day for the next week. I have no plans so time is not a valid excuse I can use. I will now try my hardest to make this a reality.....

Love Always.xxx

Desperation

“Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair.” - Andrew Soloman

I was first diagnosed with clinical depression when I was just fourteen. I am now twenty seven......that’s quite a few years to get used to the way in which depression takes over and completely destroys my life and mind. Yet no matter what therapist, what new diagnosis, new medication and changes in friends/home/partners, the black hole seems intent on swallowing me up for good. Its suffocating presence is there every minute of the day, taunting me with reminders of how useless I am, how little I have or will accomplish and how no matter what, my shadowy companion will never ever leave me alone.

In attempts to deal with this recent snowball into desperate unhappiness, I have taken to sleeping practically all day. I figure if I am asleep, then I will not have to think about how deeply miserable I am and what a failure I must be to all who have known me. But, it is in those few waking hours that the intense pain of this unhappiness seeps out and envelops me, caressing me with words of guilt and despair. I am worth nothing, I am useless and I am failing again at any attempts of a life.

The cannabis smoking has started again. Its funny how bad habits just creep back in and nestle as if they have never left. I am smoking it in the evenings, a way to get through the long waking night hours caused by my sleeping all day. I feel safer in the night though, like evil is more at home in the darkness and therefore so am I. I reflect back its dark attributes: selfishness, binge eating, excessive TV watching and computer game playing. I turn my mind away from all things of the Lord and just do my best at focusing on getting through the night alive. Though I will admit, it often saddens me that I succeed.

I can feel that I am spinning completely out of control and as the world passes on by without my input, I bury my head further trying to ignore the once anticipated new dreams I would conjure up for the exciting new life I was sure I was once destined to live. I am like a lonely wanderer along the graveyard of my fallen dreams, goals and ambitions. I am now a hanger on. I hang onto my family, causing them worry and frustration. I hang onto mental health services, finally admitting I have a mental illness and attempting, albeit poorly, to listen to their advice on managing it. I hang onto my addiction, still running away from the harsh reality that life seems to serve me and I hang onto a man I  love but who I know may also be the wrong choice for me.

My family still believe in me though and this amazes and humbles me. No matter how many times I may fail, they are there to offer me a branch in which to climb out of the new pool of pain I have landed in. My mum and dad phone daily, offering advice and words to attempt to lift me out of this darkness. I worry constantly that I have ruined their lives, but if they think it too, it never shows. My sister too, an amazing mother, sister and friend also offers her support wherever she can and I continue to wish I could take their good words on board. I am so fortunate to be blessed with my family and so desperate to get well so they no longer have to worry about me all the time. I am thinking of moving back to staying with my mum in the evenings so I am able to attempt to forge some sort of a routine again. Left to my own devices I have begun to rot away again, distancing myself further and further from friends and life outside my four walls.

Oh how I wish this depression would speak to me in words I could understand. Instead it seems to utter scary taunts as if heard from a passing ship of death upon a stormy sea. I am swept up within the bitter walls of its hate and fear, suffocation and pain. Freedom seems to cost my soul and my soul doesn’t seem to be the one worth selling. I am in a hole, I am lost, I am truly in desperation. Lord please hear my call.

Love Always.x

Confusion

"In spite of everything, I still believe people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery and death." - Anne Frank

I sit here again, annoyed and confused. Last night I fought with all my might to win the battle against my addiction. I had the money available, but decided not to use. However today is different as I plan to go with my boyfriend to a party where drugs and drink will be rife. The strange thing is, I used to love parties but now I just have a deep feeling of unease and fear. I am no longer the carefree girl I once was, I know what this party will mean, I know it will set me back. I know I am now in serious debt again and will have to rely on my boyfriend paying back debts he has owed me for two years.....an unreliable source of income to say the least.

I feel the changes being made within me, the desire to stop this careless way of living. There is a voice inside that reminds me I am not choice less, no matter how obvious that may seem. Its been an unusual week for me, dealing with grief, with depression and with the worries that come at me from every corner of my life. Everywhere I look, darkness seems to be permeating everything. I have hope for change but it is being strongly opposed by the forces around and within me. I can no longer trust myself to make the right choices, I no longer believe I know what is best. Worst of all, I know what is not good and still seem intent on following that path. Its frustrating and exhausting.

My relationship too is being tested on a daily basis. I am not an easy person to be with, my mental illness and my addiction make for a vicious and often confusing time. The problem is, with the addiction so prominent in both of our lives, I am no longer able to focus on the good parts. Instead all I see is the pull of two addicts living out their darkness together and the force of love for each other preventing any real change from happening. I'm scared we are going to end up losing each other but I am also aware that this choice may even be the right one, the one that saves us. My heart is pulled in so many directions, it’s so difficult to figure out which choice will be the one that leads to happiness. I am unhappy both alone and together so how do I choose what to do?

I will try my hardest tonight to be the happy girl in the room with no cares and no life crumbling around me as I walk. I will smile through the horror of the addiction and will prepare myself for a day tomorrow which I know will be full of questions that can't be answered by my broken mind. Just another day to add to the ones before. I continue to pray for change.

Love Always.x



To My Lord

"Find a place inside where there's joy and the joy will burn out the pain." - Joseph Campbell

The pains not going, its here inside
The pain won't leave me, there's nowhere to hide
The solution of addiction provides no relief for me
What used to make me happy, no longer sets me free

I believed in the escapism that drugs promised my fear
But now all I wish for is the ability to be sober and here
I'm scared to leave the comfort that this path has provided for me
But in the depths of darkness, my souls light has made me see

You will never stop running if you keep blocking it out
Better for your spirit to let the screaming out
Better for your life to deal with the truth and reality
Better for my future to find the real me

I used to believe I could numb my thoughts and mind
Shut out the evil voices, the cruel and unkind
But now the solution offers no solace, no place to run
Its time for me to embrace the promise of Gods chosen Son

Can I let him in, can I call him near
Can I trust in my heart that he'll always be here
Can I run to him instead of substance abuse
Can I get high on him instead of my drug use

I no longer know the answers, I no longer trust my self
In most of the moments, I wish to be somebody else
I ask for help in these desperate times
In the pain that I feel, see the truth in the rhymes

See the desperation burning deep inside of me
See the prison in my head and the cries to be free
Help the heart that I broke, be put back together
Promise me life my Lord, beside you forever

I know I fail, I know I break your heart
But the spirit in me, wants to never be apart
To look upon your face each and every day
To live my life with your love, your lessons, your way

I can't promise you perfection or never losing hope
But I guarantee my faith in my ability to cope
If you hear my voice then help me please
Its only you my Lord, who can provide the keys

Love Always.x