Destructive Mind

"Depression is the inability to construct a future." Rollo May

I'm so lost and full of hatred for who I am and what I have become. Everywhere I look I see destruction and I feel powerless to stop the continuation of the abuse I have become so used to. I am failing as a human, I am taking up place in creation and I seem to offer nothing in return for this gift. I have forgotten how to participate in ordinary life. I am selfish, unreliable, dishonest and manipulative. I am not being a good daughter, sister, friend or girlfriend. My home shows no signs of care, my personal hygiene is seriously suffering and the belief that good can come is slowly but surely leaving me. I don't know what path I took that has led me here, but I can see no way out. I long to be happy, to make other people happy, to be a positive force in the world I inhabit. I desperately crave the ability to be more than a victim in my life, to be a help not a hindrance, a joy not a burden. I seem to suck the life out of all those who come close to me, like a poison dart I spread unhappiness with my selfish ways and my constant careless attitude to those who try to help me. I can no longer look in the mirror, the image it shows is of a woman I do not recognise, we no longer see each other. The horror inside seems to be reflected outside more than ever before. Pain is an all-encompassing cloak and I wear it well it would seem. The happy larger than life character I created and hid behind for years has now reared its monstrous head and that too has become another sabotaging mask that people no longer care to enjoy. I am out of ideas of what I am supposed to do next.

The addiction is ever present, though I realise I am ready to let it go as it too provides no more escapism. It seems I have been running for too long, my mind is insistent that I face it head on and deal with the issues I have chosen to ignore. But how can more self reflection help? I no longer want to make sense of my actions, I just want them to change. I don't want to be depressed and bitter and guilty all the time. The voices in my head are back now, louder than they have been in a long time. All day every day they shout at me, attack my every thought and every attempt at change. I no longer seem to have the power to shut the taunting out, I just have to listen to it or wait for it to hit me in the face as I lie on the sofa, eyes glued to the only source of escapism I now seem to enjoy; television watching. I wake up, watch the tv, eat, watch more tv and pray that something I watch will trigger some sort of reaction in me that will wake me up from this deep slumber and inspire me to start living a life I can be proud of. Instead I seem to recognise that the television allows me to live other peoples lives while completely ignoring my own.

I am so lost and so unhappy, it’s hard for me to even write, hence why I have not been able to express myself on here. I can’t seem to look inside anymore, I'm too scared that the pain of the reflection will destroy me even more than the mess I am already in. I want to be happy, more than this benefiting me, I want to be the daughter that my parents can stop worrying about, the sister who is always available and the girlfriend who makes it easy to be in love. I feel I am failing in all these areas and the more I look outside the worse I feel about the life I somehow forgot to live.

So in times like this I choose to turn to God. Not because I think I deserve His love but because although I seem unable to control any aspect of my life, I want Him to always know I believe in the life He chose to give me. Yes I have fallen off track but I genuinely believe if I draw closer to Him that I will find my purpose again. Even knowing this I find it extremely difficult to focus on Him. I find it difficult to focus on anything that could be deemed good for me. Destruction, pain, abuse are all states I am drawn too and as I spiral into deeper and deeper depression, it is only the darkness that I can relate to so I gave up hunting the light. I need to start fighting again, I have to. 

Only a couple of weeks remain before I go into rehab. I have not lost any weight, I have not organised my home and I have not stopped using drugs. However rather than beat myself up (which I will do anyway), I shall try and focus on the positive potential this new venture offers. I have hope that this will be the path that sets me straight. I must believe in the power of light to transform the darkness of my mind and piece me back together. I must.

Love Always.x