A New Year

"In the dim background of our mind, we know what we ought to be doing but somehow we cannot start." William James

Its a new year again and I find myself no closer to happiness than any of the other years before. This elusive search to figure out who I am and what my purpose is has seemingly stopped and I am left very aware of the life I have been refusing to live for 27 years. I have been unable to write an entry for a long time, I haven't really wanted to see in black and white how miserable my exist had yet again become. But, as a last attempt to salvage some sort of understanding of my life, I return to spill the secrets of my soul and to hopefully get some peace about my journey.

I do not want to dwell on the last six or so weeks that I haven't written about. They consisted of the usual self sabotage, through drugs, binge eating, violence and resistance to change that are my expected patterns of behaviour. Instead, Ill just try and start from today.

Today I feel hopeless again. I awoke late and as usual could not find the motivation to start the day and instead tried to fall back to sleep, where dreams create lives much more exciting than the one I currently seem to be living. I always start the year with lots of resolutions and lists of strict guidelines for me to follow to achieve them. Unable to bear another year of failing, this time around I made no such plans. I wonder if this is why I appear so lost each time a new day breaks as I feel no particular pull to any specific thing. I am however aware that although the resolutions may not be written down, I am still mentally beating myself up as I know almost automatically what all the changes are I'd like to make and how so far I have been unable to integrate them into my existence. I look back over the past few years and see no real achievements, no actual benefits to my life on earth. I want this year to be different, it has to be, things need to change before my hope completely runs dry.

There is good news however. I have been accepted into a wonderful rehab facility that will also allow me to continue on my medication, have contact with my family and friends and is only four months long. I am admitted on the 4th February and although I have been warned not to do so, I have put all my eggs in the 'this will finally fix me' basket. The thing is, it has to. I have exhausted every other avenue, this has got to be my chance to change, to become productive and motivated to pursue an existence I can be happy with. To me, this rehab is about so much more than just the help with my drug addiction. It will be challenging my ability to stick to a routine, to be around people every day and to deal with parts of me that I have preferred to ignore. I see it as a huge blessing from God, one that if I participate wholeheartedly in, I can become a better me.......a happier me.

It is Friday and a new week looms ahead. I have been attempting to plan my next week so I can at least have some reason to get out of bed in the morning. I am acutely aware of the fact that I seem unable to manage any of the even tiny goals I suggest but I simply cant have another week of this year be as useless as this one has been. One of the things I am keen to stick to is writing this blog daily so I can deal with the pent up feelings I carry around with me. Although I find it difficult to commit to such a goal, I am convinced that doing so would be a major step in the right direction. I especially want to have this habit settled for when I enter rehab as I want to be able to clearly see the changes being made in me and to make sure I do not get 'stuck in my own thoughts' all the time. So, we will see then if I set the goal on here whether that will make a difference. I declare that the only real goal (as I will be making many others) I will commit to is writing this blog every day for the next week. I have no plans so time is not a valid excuse I can use. I will now try my hardest to make this a reality.....

Love Always.xxx