Hope And Tragedy

"For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity" - William Penn

Today has been one of those days where darkness and light have appeared in both their brilliance and destruction. I am both mournful and hopeful and this state is hard to adjust to, difficult to know which thoughts to think, which emotions to focus on.

My day started with a taster morning at Brynhawel Rehab, a place I am hoping to go into when they have available spaces. I was able to attend a group session, talk with the other clients and have lunch. I loved the atmosphere and it was clear to me that the place does not only focus on getting people off drugs, but also how to re-engage in normal activities to fill the void that drugs leave. The management team were friendly and welcoming and advised me that their next space would be available in January and they would book me in for an assessment as soon as possible. This feels right, I could sense myself being at home there, getting better, being healed. The work now needs to take place with my social worker in regards to funding, housing my cats and working on my addictive relationship I have with my partner. But, for the first time in many days I feel hopeful for my future and excited about the prospect of change. I am so desperate for it and to find somewhere as beautiful and rewarding as Brynhawel has worked wonderfully on my happiness levels.

I arrived home feeling positive and my mum immediately came over with my therapist who I had just left after receiving a lift home from her. The news she broke to me came with an unbelievable thud against the chest of my heart. My beautiful cat Fluff, the one whom I had nursed since she was a kitten and who was closest to me of all three of my cats, had died. She had had a fit earlier in the day and now lay in a box in the garage where my boyfriend had placed her after failed attempts to save her life. This is beyond devastating for me, I can not comprehend the fact that she is no longer here to cuddle me and play our little games. I ache for her as I would any life that had been taken from me and I have been in a state of grief and immense pain. Death comes and acts as a reminder that life is in fact a gift, so often shorter than we could ever imagine and one that I at least, have failed to embrace in a long time. I hope the beauty of her existence and the tragedy of her departure will serve as a tool for me to look with a little more care and wonder at the great miracle that is life on this earth.

Unable now as the evening has gone on and I am no longer able to sleep, I have turned to the only solution I know in which to deal with my pain. My dealer has just left and a can of cider waits to be opened. My strength to deal with the pain I am feeling is unable it seems, to come from within me so I do as usual and seek it outside. Its not the right choice, its the easy way out and it only adds further to the misery and debt I am already entrenched in, but I see no other option as the deep cries of grief grip every inch of my being. This is the circle of life I lead, unaffected by positive events such as viewing rehab, I still remain the addict who can not face the reality of actual life. I am still her and she is still me.

I believe my beautiful cat now plays with my Lord in heaven and know she will be happy and cared for there till I can see her face again. I pray now to the Lord that He showers her with the love he has so graciously shown to me and lets that power seep into the pain of my heart to heal the hole that her absence has left. I pray too that the cycle that I am in, the grip of this addiction will begin to ease as I learn the delicate fragility of life and its unknown time to cease existing. To my beautiful cat, I will love and remember you forever and know that heaven is a playground where you truly can continue to be happy. You will always remain in my thoughts and my heart.

Love Always.x

Unbearable Guilt

"I get up and pace the room, as if I can leave my guilt behind me. But it tracks me as I walk, an ugly shadow made by myself." - Rosamund Lupton, Sister

I hate myself. I hate that this addiction is refusing to let me go, ignoring my desperate cries for freedom from its self sabotaging chains. I am back in the hole that I had with the loving help and patience of my family, started to climb out of. Back here in the darkness of my actions, I fight what feels like a world of guilt upon my heart. This time the pain I feel is at the lie I am choosing to live to the people who love me most. How could I do this to them? No matter how much I try to convince myself that I am being kinder to them by protecting them from this truth, I know deep down in my core that I am being a fraud, a fake, a horrible daughter and sister. My heart is breaking with the horror of my choice, I can no longer look at myself in the mirror as the image staring back is that of a dishonest and selfish woman. An image I have grown into, that is now as much a part of me as the very addiction that rules my current reality. I am devastated by my own self protection, my feeble character and my ability to lie to people who deserve nothing but my truth and commitment.

The guilt of this burden is now pressing ever heavier on my heart and I can no longer fool myself with the justifications I once believed were the right and kindest ones to make. My family deserve better than me, they deserve the love that they so freely give to not be marred by my disgusting and evil deceitfulness. This is the hardest burden I have had to experience in many years and yet I listen as my boyfriend reminds me of the reasons that he still believes this is the right choice to make. Its not his fault, I can no more blame someone else for my lies than I can for my choices. But I have been made very aware of his belief that my family will tear us apart if this truth comes out and this threat hangs heavily over my willingness to stand by my morals of always being true no matter what.

This is not me. I am many things but I am not a liar, not a grand deceiver, a con artist. Addiction brings with it many character attributes that are non-desirable. At first they gently sweep over you; the small white lie about how much you used, the belief in your convictions that this time will be the last time. Eventually, after long enough these character flaws take on a life of their own and take seat as part of who you are. A manipulator, a selfish, self-absorbed liar whose only concern is her next fix and her ability to keep up an image of respectability for both myself and my relation to others. I can no longer preach my once passionate message of always being true, of never lying to anyone and of thinking more of others before oneself. I am now none of these things, they are no longer a part of who I am. No, they have been replaced with addictions image quicker than I was willing to admit to or see, they have now dominated my entire existence.

I do not deserve the love and generosity of the amazing family I have. I have continued to let them down time after time, watching as my actions have not just destroyed my life but theirs as well. I can hardly stand to be present in the same space of atmosphere I inhabit. It feels wrong. I am convinced I poison all I touch and this toxic outpouring leaves no person unaffected. I am the creator of pain and worry in my precious family’s life and no matter how hard I pray and how guilty I feel, I find myself unable to break out of this evil world I have been granted access to. How can I do this, how can I be so selfish and cruel? I have much to pray for help from and this is one I truly need to cry out for every day.

The addict and the child of God inhabit this body of mine. Whilst my faith reminds me my spirit is no longer sinful, I am not able to trust so confidently that my soul is not attached with an unbreakable clasp to the darkness of the world I have come to inhabit. I am wandering lost in a sea of broken dreams and promises, no longer sure God would want a creature such as me to be a representative of his kingdom. I have failed Him also and this guilt too is ever present as I assess my current situation. This life is being taken over and I feel powerless to stop its demise. I can barely recognise the voices I hear within me as mine anymore and I fear that even the Lord is struggling to be heard amongst the many twisted cries of sorrow that fill my mind each day. I can only hope with all that I have in me, that God still sees me and still believes in me. I want to make him proud, I want to be the daughter of Him and my family whose life is a joy to watch not a tragedy. So as I write I pray with all the goodness I have left inside of me: “Lord guide me towards your love, let me hear your voice above all others and please forgive me for the pain I continue to cause you and those who love me. I have not given up my belief in you, though I know I have chosen the path of destruction and not of divinity. This guilt I carry Lord, I believed I was doing out of love, a love that is confused between my family and my partner and myself. I do not deserve your help, I know how often I have let you down, but know that I am still here Lord, deep inside desperate to be free. Please shine your wisdom upon my broken mind and strengthen me with your righteousness to make the choices that will lessen the burden of those I love from carrying. I continue to wish for my heart to grow in adoration with you and your ways and understand that discipline will not be easy but is a necessary part of my freedom. I plead for forgiveness of my sins Lord and pledge once again to make more time for the life you intended me to live. In Jesus Name. Amen.”

Love Always.x

I'm Still Here

"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape."- William S. Burroughs

 

For someone who talks so much and has so much crammed inside, it’s strange that I have been unable to come and pour my soul out on here. It’s like I wanted to stop being aware of my existence, like recording it would make its sadness and hurt more real. Just existing has been confusing and tortuous enough, to actually express the thoughts that have come as part of my journey has been an impossible task. There’s so much to say, so much has happened but it doesn’t really seem to matter as the girl who sits here typing is still the girl with the addiction, still the girl who needs help. I was offered a way out via the Christian rehab but due to its strict guidelines and removal of my medication as part of the requirements of entry, I was too scared and too lacking in faith to let this be a part of my destiny. I tried removing the medication at first, a week before going in and the result was a strange and painful week both mentally and physically. Twelve years of medications abandoned for a week did not provide the desired result I had so passionately imagined. I had to admit defeat. I also, which was more difficult, had to admit that I was walking away from the miracle I believe God had granted me. The help I prayed for, I could not accept and the guilt was unbearable. I have spent many nights crying to God that my faith was not as strong as I had assured Him it was. Hope House, the miracle rehab I prayed for followed a strict daily schedule of intense focus on God and a complete removal from all outside influences such as TV, non Christian music or books. It required of me an 11 month commitment to believing in their programme and following their specific rules. In the end, the once desperate pleas I had made for recovery became quietened by the worry that I would never be able to do it, that I was too weak, that I wasn’t ready for that kind of change. Fear took over and I bowed down to its powers over the belief in Gods saving grace for me. It still haunts me now, has that choice meant my destiny will now be harder for me to attain? Will I be trusted with Gods generosity again? Questions I now refuse to ponder, instead choosing to absorb my mind in computer games and drugs. The reality of my existence terrifies me.

My family who are beyond any normal understanding of devoted and loving, have jumped to the rescue to try and save their lost daughter. I stayed with both my mum and then my dad, experiencing proper meal times, a regular wake and sleep time and a body that did not rattle with the illegal poisons I had always depended on. It was the hardest 22 days I have experienced in years. Being on drugs gives you an almost cushion like protection from the harshness of real life of being actively engaged in living. Colours seemed brighter, people seemed more intense and I seemed more, well, free. I learnt the beauty of simple pleasures like walking amongst trees, running till I was exhausted, being able to feel emotions as they were intended to be felt. It was a struggle but it gave me confidence in my ability to live as I see so many other humans living. Maybe I could be one of them, could be a normal adult. Maybe I could find the strength to fight this crippling addiction and focus on stabilising my mental health……

Sadly 22 days was my best effort. The novelty of clean living, even with its surprising pleasures, was no contest for my desperation to return to numbing myself from the world around and within me. I ordered the cannabis even after listening to crying begs from my parents not to give up now. They believed that if I started on that then the next step would be the drinking and cocaine. I convinced them otherwise and I am ashamed to realise I manipulated the situation to get me my own way. I had to get stoned, I deserved it I reminded them. I had earned the escapism I told myself. It wouldn’t be a relapse, it was just a small break and then I could return to staying with my family every evening and maintain a sober real life. Do you believe that could be possible? Did I?

I sit here now on my sofa, experiencing my fifth session on cocaine and alcohol in the last week and a half. I still have debts I can’t afford to pay, I hate the feeling it gives me and I am being forced by my boyfriend to keep this from my parents in case it means they break us up. I wouldn’t want to crush them anyway, it would break them and just for once I don’t want to be the person doing that. This is my burden, I choose to carry it, I choose to live the lie. I choose to carry on with the two separate women inside of me. The girl who cries to be freed and the girl who begs for escapism. I have no idea which one is the real me.

I have now been given a social worker from the drugs team who has arranged for an interview in a fairly local rehab which deals with dual diagnosis clients. This means I could stay on my medication and in touch with my mental health team. I am allowed access to my phone and the programme is four months long with no focus on God, just focus on group and individual therapy. It would mean that I would choose to continue to journey with the Lord on my own at the pace that I deemed possible. I know I would be risking my ability to choose to focus on him over watching TV with the others or only working on the programme that they set me, but I truly have faith that I would still be taking this walk hand in hand with Him no matter where I go. I really believe He is giving me a second chance with this new rehab, adjusting the miracle out of love for me and recognition of my crippling fears. For that gift, I am unable to truly express the intensity of my thanks. He isn’t mad with me He reminds me, together we will find a new way.

The empty void I tried to fill when choosing to turn back to drugs has surprised me in its complete failure at bringing no good emotions or experiences at all. The time taking them is no longer enjoyable, I’m no longer able to distance myself from the real me, she came out in those clean days and now refuses to let me leave her completely. I am acutely aware that she is pleading with me to tell my family I am back in trouble again, to turn to God not escapism and to trust that I can learn to live a life free from the pain that always shadows my waking hours. I am still so lost, so scared and terrified of what either choice of life that I follow will be the one that makes me happy. Maybe I’m forever meant to be thrown between hope and hell…..maybe that’s where the answers will truly be found. All I know is, until I am ready to stare my life in the face, to let go of the terrors of the past and to stop being doubtful of my chance to live a happy future, I will never get out of this vicious circle.

Its good to bleed my emotions here, to let out some of the voices that crowd my head. I will try to be back again soon and I will pray that I can find the faith and strength to go for the path of light rather than the familiar streets of darkness. In God I trust.

Love Always.x

Help!

 ”It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.” - Vince Lombardi

Its 1:30am and its my third night of cocaine binging. The hate and anger I feel for the life I am living has now become all-consuming and each thought I have is poisoned with the brutal desperateness of my own reality. I hate my life. I hate this addiction, I hate that it refuses to even compromise with me. No, its like a petulant child storming in and controlling everything. Rock bottom is much more expansive than I ever thought possible. A dark sea of pain and disgust that I flail about in endlessly looking for the bright light of a boat that can save me from the crushing devastation of my current existence. Actually, there is a positive! I have an interview with a highly recommended Christian Rehab called Hope House. I am literally putting all of my own hope into the belief that this is the place to save me. I believe God guided me to them and I genuinely believe they heard my call. This at the moment is my only hope of getting out of this life consuming addiction.

There are no words I can find that can truly express my misery. Its so low that I’m genuinely surprised life can exist within me under the current conditions of my lost mind. I am also now no longer taking antipsychotics as the rehab want me off all medication. I am taking a huge risk with this and going against the advice of my psychiatrist and my doctor, but I have much more faith than they could imagine. I have been on illegal and legal drugs since 14 and I want to give the real me the chance to come out. Yes it will be and already is difficult, but if anyone can help me, God will be the risk worth taking. I trust in Him completely, I just have to find a way to control the thoughts that are attacking me every minute of the day. Without the medication my thoughts are able to come at me with a relentless pace that never slows down. I find myself disappearing further and further into the deeper caverns of my mind and I’m scared of what I find there. Its like the floodgates of hate and confusion have opened and now refuse to close. Help.

I feel like a puppet with a master that never lets the strings rest. Constantly pulling me into the darkness I have come to recognise as my daily life. I cant communicate with him, he just drags me through the battlefield, holding me down, suffocating me as my body lies restless on the floor. I see no joy anywhere, all I see and feel is hate and anger and slowly but surely its taking over every aspect of my confusing existence. My body aches, its like the thoughts from my head have now found parts of me to attach to and like a withering flower, they feast on any health and vitality that ever existed. Help.

When will my time come? When will I walk in the destiny my Lord has promised me? I will wait at his feet till He is ready but with all I have in me, I pray He rescues me soon. I’m scared of my own life and desperately I cry out to him. Please help me Lord, please. Your child is terrified and the strength she once had is on its last few drops. Hear my call my Father, I am ready for change, whatever that may be, I come to you ready to fight for my life.

Love Always.x

All-Nighter

"The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself."Thales

When does this end? How long do I have to wait till I'm freed from this torture? As you probably guessed, the cocaine I bought with the intention of lasting me a week lasted me the night and the next day, yes I did another all-nighter. The depressing walls of the life I am living are pressing in even harder and that glimmer of hope and light dimly flickers too far away for me to touch. I am in pain, feeling the acute misery of doing this to my self and to my family over and over again. It’s the game that you can never stop playing, the anchor that ties you to the life you no longer wish to live.

Whilst in a daze last night, after no sleep and the pain of my cocaine and cannabis addiction ever present in my system, I decided instead of driving myself crazy with the thoughts that trap me into my own mind, I would write. I would write from my heart in the loneliest, darkest most messed up moment and see what my soul was thinking, feeling, spilling out into the atmosphere. I just kept writing, trying to keep up with the speed of my thoughts, an almost impossible task but I tried it. I have not yet read it, but I am going to copy it on to here, to share a piece of my most innermost moment with you and see if even in the darkness, my soul can find somewhere to find its hope. It may not make much sense as I hadn’t slept and was in a real state but it is the real raw me. I let my focus turn towards the Lord and then spilled out the emotions that raptured me. So here goes, straight from the writers pad:

God has been tying up the loose ends so I can start anew, afresh. No more pain that’s hidden, its all been brought out into his light. He did find me, He did hear me, He is helping me. He gives me a long life though it is marred by challenges. He has given me insight and an ability to help people. I have needed to learn from this challenge and He has used this waste ground to plant the seeds of my soul. He has moulded me, slowly taking out the imperfections, the fears, the doubts, pain and confusion. In my darkness He shone his bright light and only ever asked for my faith. With this I gave my whole heart.

I am free but it has come at a cost. He needed to be sure I was ready to pass the next stages of my journey. Your so beautiful Lord. Your love never ceases to amaze and entice me. How did you find me in all that pain, in that battleground? You saw me and you gave me wings only I had to learn how to fly! This addiction has been the complete breaking of me, though it has torn down walls I didn’t even know existed. It has never really had the control. He has been there always, listening, guiding, supporting. He has been there in the roughest, toughest moments and he has turned them into flowers within the core of my spirit and soul. He has freed me.

I had to learn to truly trust Him, to lean on Him. He wanted me to know the power of his love but also to prepare me for the next stage of my destiny. It's been a learning curve, a joyous move into deeper realms but the road has been tough. I stand and be ready for the next phase Lord. With each fear I have you reach in and replace it with your love and nurse me back within your heart. When I can't go on Lord, you are there, you are with me. I am ready. The next stage will too carry its blessings but these too come at a cost. With greater anointing your journey will become harder, the enemy will attempt to dig deeper. I just focus on Him that loves me.

It’s nothing to do with the drugs, it’s just Him reaching out and loving me. That is the power of his unending love. It transforms, it changes, it heals, it breaks down and it rebuilds but the intensity can always be felt. Its true love in the most unimaginable way, beyond our human capacity to understand love. It is pure at its soul, its radiance is felt within the heart. As I feel pain, He rubs freedom, health, hope, happiness. He continues to weave the tapestry of my life, stitch by stitch until I am put back together again. Its the fight of my life but he teaches perspective. Change it and learn to absorb and challenge his love. He is ready, He is open, He is our God, our Father. He is love.

My recovery process is imminent. Its the next stage of the journey for me. I know it will contain immense joy but only at the capacity in which I can absorb it. That’s where his free will has found its real meaning. It is our free will to choose to love Him and to choose how much. He always lets us control it. When we are ready, He is there waiting but like the most splendid treasure hidden within the wilderness of life, He lets us do the discovering. Find Him we can and we will, but at a pace in which we can handle. Come and drink at His well, He knows we are thirsty. Run into and believe, just believe you are loved. When you begin to get a glimpse of what this means, it will break every fear, every pain and welcome you home again. I am here Lord, I love you and am willing to accept your love.

Twelve months in which the true love and grace He has saved, will be showered upon me. Lord you give me hope, I never lost faith and you saw me, you saw my heart and you saw it was good. Oh how did your child get so lost? What happened to her God? Where did she go? Where is she? She was with you Lord, always with you. You kept me safe till I was ready to face the world again. I'm back Lord, I have been delivered. Your lessons, your love, floods every cell, every part of who I am. You have my whole being Lord and you made me in your image. My heart is good. I am not the evil that I see in the world. Maybe, just maybe, I am the light. I just forgot that I shone. You shone through me and you bought me back. Thank you my precious Lord.

The writing and talking are my gifts, He did not forget to bless me. I just couldn’t see past the wall of abuse, fear, hate, judgement and pain. All you wanted me to do was to look at you for long enough to really see you. To see your reflection in me, to not be scared, to trust you but also to trust me was always your intention. How good you are to me Lord. A servant with nothing to offer you, you picked me too, you loved me too, you let me be a part of your beautiful creation and I forgot. Lord please give me the courage to drink in this love, these gifts, this life. It’s my time isn’t it Lord, the shackles are off. Along the beach my footprints appear in the sand next to yours. You carried me and then I learnt to walk.

I'm ready for people to read my words. I trust you Lord that they will help, they will heal, they will rebuild. My words will create a reminder of your life for your beautiful children. My pain can and will reach into another’s life and help them. My dream to help, restore and to remind people of who they really are is being met because you've allowed me to let go of my fears, my shame, my pain. How have you remembered me Lord? I owe you my life in all its joy, in all its twists and turns. Your voice now speaks so clearly to me, it’s like a heartbeat that always stays, pumping life and love through my broken mind. Hello God, our friendship has been the greatest opportunity to learn to trust you and I do fully. I love you God.

I am now ready to discover more. The Holy Spirit is something I never thought of as I didn't understand Him. I'm so afraid to say I think I hurt Him. I shut Him out. But He didn’t get angry, He didn’t leave me, He stayed whispering at first but now talking more and more, louder and louder, a sound that only the heart can make. It’s a heart sound, a murmur, a ray of continuous hope. He meets every need, every desire, every area where lack would ever hide. He is the fullness in a perfect summers day, that is his unending love for us, His children. If only we could fully grasp this. How can we, it’s too joyous for us to ever imagine. But best of all its not the impossible, it’s the truth. It’s ours. Wow.

Grab that first thought, that quick one, quicker than you, softer than you. It’s His. It’s time to rise and shine for the light of my rising has come. Lost and now found.

Learn now that whilst I can help people it doesn’t have to be at the expense of loving, respecting and honouring my man. Learn the lesson Rebecca. Honour thy husband. Take care of him, love him, accept him. Freedom.

So.......that was the writings of my soul. Its amazing the force at which it came out of me and the intensity of Gods love I felt whilst writing it. True emotions, raw and pure. Thanks for being a part of the journey.

Love Always.x

Boyfriend Abuse

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." Mark Twain

 

Last night, as so often happens when I am using, I ended up arguing with my boyfriend. The first argument happened as he walked in and could see evidence of me using and went its usual predictable manner in which he shouts about the lies I have told about never using again and how bad a person I am. This time I responded by ignoring him, turning up music and singing and dancing to myself in the kitchen. I was in no mood to ruin the buzz I was having. He then decided he would like some too but his way of using is different to mine in that he likes to have big lines quickly and I prefer smaller ones to pace it out. Here came the second argument of the evening, which meant he refused to use which made me relatively happy. Then, he changed his mind. This made me unhappy as greed is now one of my common emotions but I let him do it anyway to prevent further shouting sessions. I was having a fairly quiet buzz, just sitting down and reading and wasn’t really in the mood to talk to him. When he did want to talk to me I felt attacked as usual and wasn’t really in the mood to respond. I often feel the only time he is nice to me anymore is when drugs are involved and knowing it is my money that is catering for this habit only acts to aggravate me further.

As the grams began to disappear my anger started to rise again and although we were able to have a loving conversation about the rules for each other when I got accepted into rehab, this mood soon changed as the coke disappeared. I was not feeling particularly loving watching my buzz coming to an end. It’s so hard, it all is. The addiction doesn’t just destroy you, it destroys everything around you as well. I hated him last night, I accused him of being selfish, of being arrogant and most importantly to me at the time, for ruining my buzz. We went to bed back to back, silence hanging in the air like a thick poisonous atmosphere choking at any love that once had grown. He told me he would leave, I let him believe that is what would make me happy.

Its a new day today and I have calmed down. When I'm using I hate him and all the little niggles in our relationship seem monstrous and necessary for me to shout and abuse him with. I'm not saying they are unfounded, a lot of the problems are there and do exist but without the coke I wouldn’t address them in the horrible attacking woman way that I do when I can see my beloved addiction being shared and me having less of it. That’s what it boils down to really, I don’t want to share it, I want it all to myself. He acts as a barrier to this so I attack this man I love and beat him down so he can feel some degree of the pain I am feeling. Its cruel and unfair but it keeps happening, I can’t seem to control the verbal onslaught that comes out of my mouth. I look at him with eyes burning hate holes into his skin, but somewhere inside I always feel like I can’t believe what I am doing, how could I attack this man that I love, how could I be so cold, so evil. But the coke greediness always wins, I am always more hurt about the coke leaving than him.

When he came into see me earlier before disappearing out again I hugged and kissed him with as much love as I could muster. I accept we both have difficulties but it is not realistic dealing with them when I am on coke as it poisons my perspective and blocks me from seeing his point of view. I know this man loves me but I can’t help pushing him away like I am with everyone and everything. All I seem to want to do is to isolate myself from the world around me, even the man I have been in love with for two years. In the end, if I keep doing this, I will get my wish and end up alone and then what will I do? I can’t shout and abuse myself anymore than I already am. The pain of this disease is permeating every aspect of my life and its making it impossible to know which is the real me and which is the crazy selfish coke head. I need help.

I have already picked up my next amount of drugs, this time to get me through the week. The idea is that I buy in bulk and it lasts me till some more money can come through on Friday. I just have to hope my addictive nature means I can learn to call it a night before it all goes or I will be in a state for the rest of the week. It’s laughable really. I also know there is a risk my boyfriend will want to use with me and that will make me nervous and agitated as the coke will disappear faster and is likely to make me angry with him again. I guess we'll just have to see what the night has in store....

Love Always.x

Sunday Sniffing

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” Albert Einstein

I am currently sat on a Sunday afternoon sniffing my way through yet more bags of the addiction that is ruining my life. I can’t believe this is my life, that I am back here again.

I have spent the last three days, two of which not sleeping, using this drug to get me through my existence. Two nights ago after a day and a half on it with no sleep I hit a new rock bottom, a lower one, a lonelier more painful one. I thought that would be it, finally I had had enough but here I am again. I hate this addiction. I hate what it has robbed from my life, what it is ruining, its controlling relentless attack on who I am and who I could ever hope to be. The only light at the end of this tunnel is the chance that I get accepted into a rehab facility but that could take weeks before this saviour comes along. Weeks consist of days and in those days so much more damage can be done. You can never get enough of this, there is no last time, no cut off point. It’s just round and round in vicious circles over and over again.

While catching up on the missed sleep I had yesterday I lay watching a film about dancing and cried as I remembered the little girl who used to love this hobby. The little girl who had dreams about a happy future, who had ambitions and hopes. I feel like I’ve suffocated her, killed her, locked her so far away she wouldn’t know how to be found even if she wanted to. What happened to those dreams, to those hopes, to that future? I’m 27 years old and can’t go a day without using cocaine. Why is this my life, how did this happen and more importantly when does it stop?

Addiction is such a miserable lonely existence. You hate who you have become, you hate what you do but you can’t stop yourself from doing it. Day after day you cry about the life you have lost but know the only way to deal with the pain is to do more to numb yourself from the excruciating horror of your current reality. Slowly but surely it isolates you from every aspect of normal living. Maintenance of your home, your health, your body become of no priority as your only focus remains on trying to find the cash to get more. To give you a scale of what my addiction is like, in the past month I have spent over £2000 on this destroyer of life. £2000! I could have had a luxury holiday, a supreme shopping trip, dined in the best restaurants, lived. Its not even worth thinking about, it hurts too much, it all does. When does it end, how do I stop it?

I cant find any more words to say, I just needed to get things off my chest. Just know that for the rest of the evening me and the enemy are going to be doing our usual dance of pain and possession.........oh Lord please help me.

Love Always.x